Some people have difficulty understanding Scientology promotion, press releases or event speeches. I’ve found that this is because the Church often uses common English words and phrases to mean something entirely different from the usual “wog” definition of that word or phrase. So, in the interest of clarity, I have compiled the following glossary of terms to assist in understanding Scientology’s literature and spokespeople.
acceptable truth: lie
“advance your IAS status”: pay more and more money to the IAS.
announcement and release: sales pitch. See also briefing.
attack: to question, challenge, or contradict anything the Church of Scientology says.
biased: anything other than 100% support of, and agreement with, the Church of Scientology.
bigotry: any criticism of the Church of Scientology.
Black PR: anything critical of the Church of Scientology or its leaders.
briefing: sales pitch.
briefing, special: a desperate sales pitch.
briefing, mandatory: give us money now – the stats are down!!
“cannot be overstated”: cannot be proven. Our global impact cannot be overstated.
charities: Scientology-run profit centers that send tithes to the Church, such as Narconon, Applied Scholastics, Criminon and The Way to Happiness Foundation.
counter-intention: any challenge to Church authority or failure to “hop to” when told to do something by the Church.
crusade: fundraising campaign.
dedicated: rich. Tom Cruise is the most dedicated Scientologist I know.
disaffected: questioning or challenging anything the Church of Scientology says or does.
disgruntled apostate: anyone who leaves the Church of Scientology.
entheta: Anything that Scientologists shouldn’t look at; any information that contradicts the Church’s approved press releases, event speeches, websites and magazines.
eternity: an imaginary future blissful state attained only by continuing to cooperate with the Church of Scientology and, most importantly, continuing to give them money. Comparable to the Christian heaven.
event: sales pitch.
explosive growth: we can’t show you actual stats because they’re down. See also unprecedented expansion, phenomenal growth, etc.
fastest growing religion: fastest shrinking cult.
freedom: totally under our control, i.e. slavery.
friend: someone the Church has approved for you to be in contact with.
global: we have a few people in another country.
global force: a few people in different countries.
glorious future: see eternity.
Golden Age of ____: the latest arbitrary alteration of something to make it even more cumbersome, ineffective and expensive; an excuse to get Scientologists to pay for the same thing over and over.
“guarantee the future of Scientology”: pay our lawyers and court costs.
hate group: Any group critical of the Church of Scientology.
hater: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology. See also religious bigot.
highest ever: highest this year, or maybe this month.
humanitarian programs: profit-making front groups. see charities.
humanitarian: someone who has given more than $100,000 to the Ideal Org program.
human rights campaign: gratuitously distributing or promoting the Universal Declaration of Human Rights without taking any real action to handle actual human rights violations, especially within the Church.
Ideal Org: an expensive, largely empty building, purchased for PR purposes.
impact: to have little or no effect on something. The massive impact of our social betterment programs.
international network: see global force.
lies: damaging true facts about the Church.
lies, total: really damaging facts.
lies, absolute and total: really, really, really damaging facts.
lies, absolute, total, utter and complete: thermonuclear, weapons-grade damaging facts about the Church.
“lose your eternity”: stop cooperating with the Church or giving them money, thereby forsaking the imaginary future blissful state they promise. Comparable to the Christian “you will go to hell.”
massive global campaign: a few ads or public service announcements, put on for show.
“meeting the demand”: putting pressure on staff to produce and sell more and more materials.
Merchant of Chaos: anyone critical of Scientology, especially any reporter.
natter: any criticism of the Church of Scientology.
new era: the same old thing, repackaged. This release marks a new era in planetary salvage.
out-ethics: any failure to do what you are told to do, any questioning of Church authority over all aspects of your life.
OT IX and X Preparations: Sec Checks for OT VIIIs.
phenomenal growth: we still don’t have any actual stats to show you. see explosive growth.
“quite literally”: hyperbolically, fancifully. We are quite literally impacting every sector of this planet.
religious freedom: immunity for the Church of Scientology from any criticism, inspection or investigation.
religious bigot: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology.
“shoulder to shoulder”: don’t step out of line.
Six Month Refresher: report in for your Sec Checks.
squirrel group: any group the Church of Scientology doesn’t control.
social betterment programs: profit-making front groups. see charities.
Suppressive: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology or its leaders.
“takes on a whole new meaning”: used to make a meaningless term even more meaningless. With this release, the term “global impact” takes on a whole new meaning.”
terrorist: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology, see religious bigot.
top Scientologists: rich Scientologists. See dedicated.
unite: don’t step out of line.
unprecedented expansion: We still don’t have any stats we can show – they’re lower than ever!
“we don’t discriminate because of age”: we hire underage children.
“when we release OT IX and X”: a fanciful and unlikely future event, similar to when hell freezes over or when pigs fly. Or when all orgs achieve the size of Old Saint Hill.
Hopefully, this glossary will help you to understand sentences like this: “Our shoulder-to shoulder humanitarian crusade has ushered in a new era of unprecedented expansion and has given the term ‘global impact’ a whole new meaning.”
Feel free to send in your own additions to the list!