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Understanding Scientology-Speak

May 18, 2010

Some people have difficulty understanding Scientology promotion, press releases or event speeches. I’ve found that this is because the Church often uses common English words and phrases to mean something entirely different from the usual “wog” definition of that word or phrase. So, in the interest of clarity, I have compiled the following glossary of terms to assist in understanding Scientology’s literature and spokespeople.

acceptable truth: lie

“advance your IAS status”: pay more and more money to the IAS.

announcement and release: sales pitch. See also briefing.

attack: to question, challenge, or contradict  anything the Church of Scientology says.

biased: anything other than 100% support of, and agreement with, the Church of Scientology.

bigotry: any criticism of the Church of Scientology.

Black PR: anything critical of the Church of Scientology or its leaders.

briefing: sales pitch.

briefing, special: a desperate sales pitch.

briefing, mandatory: give us money now – the stats are down!!

“cannot be overstated”: cannot be proven. Our global impact cannot be overstated.

charities: Scientology-run profit centers that send tithes to the Church,  such as Narconon, Applied Scholastics, Criminon and The Way to Happiness Foundation.

counter-intention: any challenge to Church authority or failure to “hop to” when told to do something by the Church.

crusade: fundraising campaign.

dedicated: rich. Tom Cruise is the most dedicated Scientologist I know.

disaffected: questioning or challenging anything the Church of Scientology says or does.

disgruntled apostate: anyone who leaves the Church of Scientology.

entheta: Anything that Scientologists shouldn’t look at; any information that contradicts  the Church’s approved press releases, event speeches, websites and magazines.

eternity: an imaginary future blissful state attained only by continuing to cooperate with the Church of Scientology and, most importantly, continuing to give them money. Comparable to the Christian heaven.

event: sales pitch.

explosive growth: we can’t show you actual stats because they’re down. See also unprecedented expansion, phenomenal growth, etc.

fastest growing religion: fastest shrinking cult.

freedom: totally under our control, i.e. slavery.

friend: someone the Church has approved for you to be in contact with.

global: we have a few people in another country.

global force: a few people in different countries.

glorious future: see eternity.

Golden Age of ____: the latest arbitrary alteration of something to make it even more cumbersome, ineffective and expensive; an excuse to get Scientologists to pay for the same thing over and over.

“guarantee the future of Scientology”: pay our lawyers and court costs.

hate group: Any group critical of the Church of Scientology.

hater: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology. See also religious bigot.

highest ever: highest this year, or maybe this month.

humanitarian programs: profit-making front groups. see charities.

humanitarian: someone who has given more than $100,000 to the Ideal Org program.

human rights campaign: gratuitously distributing or promoting the Universal Declaration of Human Rights without taking any real action to handle actual human rights violations, especially within the Church.

Ideal Org: an expensive, largely empty building, purchased for PR purposes.

impact: to have little or no effect on something. The massive impact of our social betterment programs.

international network: see global force.

lies: damaging true facts about the Church.

lies, total: really damaging facts.

lies, absolute and total: really, really, really damaging facts.

lies, absolute, total, utter and complete: thermonuclear, weapons-grade damaging facts about the Church.

“lose your eternity”: stop cooperating with the Church or giving them money, thereby forsaking the imaginary future blissful state they promise. Comparable to the Christian “you will go to hell.”

massive global campaign: a few ads or public service announcements, put on for show.

“meeting the demand”: putting pressure on staff to produce and sell more and more materials.

Merchant of Chaos: anyone critical of Scientology, especially any reporter.

millions: thousands.

natter: any criticism of the Church of Scientology.

new era: the same old thing, repackaged. This release marks a new era in planetary salvage.

out-ethics: any failure to do what you are told to do, any questioning of Church authority over all aspects of your life.

OT IX and X Preparations: Sec Checks for OT VIIIs.

phenomenal growth: we still don’t have any actual stats to show you. see explosive growth.

“quite literally”: hyperbolically, fancifully. We are quite literally impacting every sector of this planet.

religious freedom: immunity for the Church of Scientology from any criticism, inspection or investigation.

religious bigot: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology.

“shoulder to shoulder”: don’t step out of line.

Six Month Refresher: report in for your Sec Checks.

squirrel group: any group the Church of Scientology doesn’t control.

social betterment programs: profit-making front groups. see charities.

Suppressive: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology or its leaders.

“takes on a whole new meaning”: used to make a meaningless term even more meaningless. With this release, the term “global impact” takes on a whole new meaning.”

terrorist: anyone critical of the Church of Scientology, see religious bigot.

thousands: hundreds.

top Scientologists: rich Scientologists. See dedicated.

unite: don’t step out of line.

unprecedented expansion: We still don’t have any stats we can show – they’re lower than ever!

“we don’t discriminate because of age”: we hire underage children.

“when we release OT IX and X”: a fanciful and unlikely future event, similar to when hell freezes over or when pigs fly. Or when all orgs achieve the size of Old Saint Hill.

Hopefully, this glossary will help you to understand sentences like this: “Our shoulder-to shoulder humanitarian crusade has ushered in a new era of unprecedented expansion and has given the term ‘global impact’ a whole new meaning.”

Feel free to send in your own additions to the list!

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106 Comments
  1. brendon permalink
    May 18, 2010 7:58 pm

    Oh, a classic. You need to find a way to keep a link to this on the front page.

  2. brendon permalink
    May 18, 2010 8:22 pm

    Contibuting…

    “LRH technology is now used by [corporation or government]” : [Corporation or government] knows nothing about it because either 1) We snuck in under their radar, or 2) They aren’t actually using it.

    The “able” : The “solvent” or those with remaining debt capacity

    Sea Org : Organized indentured servitude

    Super Power : The ability to fundraise endlessly for something without ever actually delivering it

    PTS : Potential Toupee Stealer 😉

    • brendon permalink
      May 18, 2010 10:45 pm

      You really hit most of the big ones. Sorry, this is too much fun to stop now:

      Volunteer ministers = on-demand travelling pr photo-op corps

      “Big Pharma” or “the Psyches” = the competition

      Communication = the art of not communicating

      Infiltrated = We got caught and now we have to distance ourselves from the perpetrators, as in “The GO had been infiltrated and it was disbanded.”

      “Suit was settled for nuisance value” = we screwed up and we’ll pay anything as long as you don’t tell the parishioners how much we shelled out

      “Not one thin dime for Wollersheim” = $8.7 million

      Priest-penitent privilege = the ability to share entertaining, formerly confidential stories over a nice Single Malt

      Stats = detailed quantitative tracking of irrelevant achievements. For quantitative tracking of relevant achievements, see entheta

      • brendon permalink
        May 19, 2010 1:06 am

        “Think for yourself” = do not question what the Church tells you.

        “People are reaching out for Scientology” = people were handed a WTH brochure they didn’t ask for.

        Groups = supposedly increasing but undefined and largely undiscoverable units of Scientologists used to help pump up otherwise verifiable static or shrinking numbers, as in “The Church now has over 8000 Orgs, Missions, and Groups.”

        On-course Scientologist = Scientologist who failed to screen his or her phone calls.

        Expansion = increase in gross square footage of Church-owned, parishioner-bought buildings and real estate.

        Declare = the final step on the Bridge

  3. ClearlyMistreated permalink
    May 18, 2010 8:39 pm

    Most excellent! I’ve been called “out-ethics” for not being lockstep with the group. Locally they even tried to re-define “Scientologist” as someone “active in the church” to imply that I wasn’t really a Scientologist if I didn’t get in line.

  4. Arlo permalink
    May 18, 2010 8:40 pm

    I do believe Tommy Davis has used all of these in one single sentence! Well, maybe not “acceptable truth.”
    LOL

  5. David J Mudkips permalink
    May 18, 2010 8:58 pm

    How about these?

    “Fixed Donations” – Money paid for services CoS doesn’t want to provide
    “The Bridge” (also “Bridge to Total Freedom”) – A handy list of what CoS will pressure you to buy next
    “Clear” – An imaginary state, possibly akin to Bhuddist Nirvana; nobody knows, though, because there’s never been one
    “Registration” aka “Regging” – Where CoS goons pick you up by your ankles and shake until money falls out
    “Command Intention” – Whatever COB wants. See also “stupidity”
    “Blowing” – To GTFO of Scientology
    “LRH” – L Ron Hubbard, some guy from the 50s, but nobody cares about him, because we NEED MORE DONATIONS

  6. Joe Howard permalink
    May 18, 2010 9:03 pm

    Dan Sherman thanks you.

  7. lunamoth permalink
    May 18, 2010 9:40 pm

    Suppressive Person : A ninety-seven and a-half percenter.

    • May 18, 2010 10:35 pm

      lunamoth,
      We are almost the same in our calculations… 🙂

    • sherrymk permalink
      May 19, 2010 12:20 am

      I’m falling off my chair. You are seriously hilarious LunaM

    • craig houchin permalink
      May 19, 2010 2:06 am

      I love this definition! It is an instant classic!

    • Just Me permalink
      May 19, 2010 3:33 am

      Lunamoth, I am SCREAMING at this one. Love this!!!

      Just Me

    • Another Layer permalink
      May 19, 2010 4:15 am

      Bravissima, little flyer!!!

  8. Wallflower permalink
    May 18, 2010 10:12 pm

    corroborate (transitive verb) cow’wob’o’wate – to give or represent evidence of the truth of management misdeeds.

    removed – once removed from post, but implied as removed from Co$

    every square inch: I can’t recall the last time I spent time with my spouse

    Human rights: only applicable for those that tow the party line.

    Disconnection: Something that Jojo likes to confirm on Facebook

    • Just Me permalink
      May 19, 2010 3:33 am

      Another comedian! These are wonderful. Thank you!

      Just Me

    • Aurora permalink
      May 30, 2010 4:54 pm

      man, jojo gets around… she’s like an internet celebrity to me now.

  9. May 18, 2010 10:32 pm

    Jeff, it’s getting better and better! Will you please stop me from coming here?! 🙂

    That’s THE thing we need to disentangle ourselves of – $¢i€₦₮o£og¥ vocabulary.
    About a year ago on the (Russian) forum of scientologists I asked about what are their concepts/comparative words for “wogs”of the things like: theta, entheta, uptone, downtone, upstat, downstat, enturbulating, enturbulated…
    I got many interesting responses. They were mostly incomprehensible to “wogs”. They were numerously worded to explain a simple concept (which “wog” could better understand in other words).
    Now, reviewing them I can tell they are all group-think.
    And LRH was the one who made it difficult to comprehend simple things about our own selves. And comunicate them to others. (Yet, LRH, was a smart dude… I have to admit that)

  10. Karen permalink
    May 18, 2010 11:00 pm

    Perfectly stated. I’m sure there will be many more to come.

  11. May 18, 2010 11:00 pm

    How about these:

    “KSW”–Keeping Scientology Wealthy

    “H, E and R”–Heading for the Exit and Runnning!

    “BPI”–Broad Parishioner Interrogations

    “ARC”–Acceptable amounts of Relinquished Cash

    “VGI’s”–Very Gross Income(s)

    “E/P”–Go see the reg

    “PTS”–Pretty Tired of Scientology

    “I got that!”–You’re Not On Board

    “Missed Withhold”–Looking at the Internet

    “Squirrel”–HCO PL’s

    “Source”–David Miscavige

    “Enemy Line”–Marty Rathbun

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 18, 2010 11:48 pm

      hahahahahahahaha

    • earthmother permalink
      May 19, 2010 1:26 am

      Love it!

    • craig houchin permalink
      May 19, 2010 2:12 am

      Idle Org,

      These are absolute winners. My god, humor blows charge like nothing else. Thanks, Jeff.

    • ClearlyMistreated permalink
      May 21, 2010 6:19 am

      OMG: You are hilarious!

  12. May 18, 2010 11:19 pm

    Geez, this is fun!…

    “Uptone”–Jumping on Oprah’s Couch

    “Tone 40”–Robotism

    “Make it Go Right”–Personal Bankruptcy

    “Upstat”–Total Propitiation

    “Downstat”–Asking Questions

    “Flap”–What occurs when an Indie tells a koolaid a little bit of Truth

    “Dilletante”–Pre-GAT

    “Dev-T”–Old Timers/Off-Loads

    “Chaos Merchants”–John Sweeny/Anderson Cooper

    “Degraded Beings”–Non-Scientologists

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 18, 2010 11:49 pm

      You have found your calling, Idle Org!

      • May 19, 2010 3:19 am

        Lunamoth,

        I loved your “SP”– 97 1/2 percenters!
        🙂

    • Just Me permalink
      May 19, 2010 3:35 am

      Stop! It! Idle! Org!

      Just Me

  13. Wallflower permalink
    May 19, 2010 12:02 am

    Co$ Spokespeople: Those that are afraid of consequences from der leader if any semblance of truth be told.

    RPF: Religious retreat where one bides time in comfort to rehabilitate from minor/unsubstantiated digressions of KSW. (AKA – slave labor, degradation and brainwashing)

    RPF’s RPF: hell on earth for dm’s pleasure

  14. May 19, 2010 12:14 am

    Help, I can’t seem to stop…..

    “Future Track”–Setting up permanent, automated withdrawals from one’s checking account

    “SO”–Bye bye friends and family

    “Staff Status”– Robot Manufacturing Tech

    “Staff”–Poverty

    “Muster”–Your Daily Implant

    “3rd Dynamic”–Sheeple

    “Group Postulate”–DM’s Dub-in and consequent enforced campaigns

    “Camouflaged Hole”–1. Freedom Magazine 2. Tommy Davis 3. The Ex-Wives 4. Bert Fields 5. Lies, lies, lies!

    “IAS”–DM’s Travel and Leisure Budget

    “Personal Ethics”–Don’t leave us! Ever!

    “Personal Integrity”–You’d better not have any!

    “Clearing the Planet”–Failed Purpose

    “Mr. Tom Cruise”–The most dedicated Hollywood Celebrity Scientologist David Miscavige has ever seen

    and finally……

    “Chairman of the Board, RTC, Mr. David Miscavige”–The 8th Dynamic

    🙂

  15. Wallflower permalink
    May 19, 2010 12:28 am

    Homosexuality: Something dm and tc will not admit. (I doubt that this one will make the list, but “just having fun”)

  16. John Doe permalink
    May 19, 2010 12:46 am

    Hill 10: Any artificially created emergency generally resulting in less sleep for any staff in the vicinity.

    Freeloader Debt: A tool used as a threat to stop or slow the departure of oppressed staff members.

    Board of Review: A futile exercise that takes a very long time to happen and generally results in perpetuating any particular injustice.

    Enlightenment: Often used in connection with registration; generally means wearing down the prospect’s resistance to maxing out his/her credit cards.

    “Other Practices”: ANYTHING, along the lines of exploring one’s spirituality, not currently approved of by the current church management. Recently, has been extended to include such things as thinking about taking a yoga class.

    “Free stress test”: We want to establish a baseline for you. Stress is one stat we can and do increase successfully.

    • ClearlyMistreated permalink
      May 21, 2010 6:23 am

      Good ones! I’ve been taking yoga for 2 years and I was always careful not to mention it–just in case.

      Here’s one:
      O/W: something that just might read in your next session. Better not to do it.

  17. Suzanne permalink
    May 19, 2010 1:37 am

    S.O. Qual’d – pubic hair just sprouting

    Apathy – Credit cards maxed

    Success Story – Leverage

    Confessionals – Leverage

    Love – (Sorry, your search returned no results)

    Compassion – (404 Not Found: The server has not found anything matching the Request-URI.)

    Man – Gelatinous mass with no volition, but possible credit line

    Responsibility – That which the church would like to have, but is exploring its other options first

    • Another Layer permalink
      May 19, 2010 4:23 am

      “Love – (Sorry, your search returned no results)”

      Amen, amen!!

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 19, 2010 5:33 am

      HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

    • sherrymk permalink
      May 19, 2010 6:19 pm

      Oh my fuckin’ god, Suzanne…these are pricelss. I just can’t stop laughing at all you guys….

    • Joe Doakes permalink
      May 21, 2010 5:15 pm

      LOL @ Love & Compassion!

  18. Kingair350 permalink
    May 19, 2010 1:59 am

    Jeff, you’re a funny fucker!
    I have so enjoyed your absolute, total, utter and complete lies.

    Standard: An indefinate, indeterminate level or varying degree of quality that, in most places, would be considered improper or inadequate for whatever purpose is on your mind and will net us the most $$$.

    Joking and Degrading: having a jolly good time at Jeff’s place.

    Degraded Being: Some nosy prick who knows more than he should.

    Tiger: another nosy prick who is really raising hell about what he (or she) knows.

    Kha Kahn: this is up for grabs; the IAS could really make hay with this one.

    DSA: don’t say anything.

    Tiger Drilling: gang banging a Tiger.

    Assessment: now we’re going to find out exacty how much you’re worth. (this happened)

    Right Item: exactly how much you’re worth. (I’m surprised DM hasn’t replaced the W.T. dating drill with this. Solve a lot of his problems.

    Make it go right: getting more $$$ from your friends, who cannot afford it,
    from business partners who trust you, from your kids who you just brow beat into the ground with lots of false purposes, none of whom you have a bloody clue how to pay back.

  19. sherrymk permalink
    May 19, 2010 2:08 am

    Idle Org and John Doe..You guys are SERIOUSLY demented. Always known Jeff was. I can’t stop rolling on the floor… but this one JD really got me…“Free stress test”: We want to establish a baseline for you. Stress is one stat we can and do increase successfully.”

  20. Wallflower permalink
    May 19, 2010 2:45 am

    The new Co$ website is reaching more people every day to discover true freedom: http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/scientology.org#

    • May 19, 2010 3:53 pm

      Hmm… I gotta tell you. Hubbard was a smart dude. He must have known that all the PLs about Disconnection, Fair Game, large amounts of money creating pyramide/ponzi-like results etc was going to create problems. He must have seen this coming somehow. And look how much attention Scientology now gets.

      Somebody said something like “Any kind of PR is good PR”. Perhaps this was part of his overall battle plan to get Scientology out? If he had chosen the small Buddhism-like, peaceful kind of approach nobody would have probably cared or at least not fast enough? Now the press have something to investigate and hence write about, creating more curiousity in the public. Every quarrel creates a ridge somewhere that will keep going (Bunker vs Cos e.g.), psychiatrists speaking out about Scientology (Stephen Wiseman etc), basically spreading the word…

      It’s just a thought. He must have seen all of these problems coming and must have been fully aware of them while running the organizations. Perhaps this was part of expansion plan A and then it will sort of pan out since everybody( like on this site) gets tired of it and new groups will pop up around the globe where focus are on the tech. He must have known that finally the OT III would came out in public and that Class XII or whatever would steal the L’s (or just memorize them) and go independent. Well, now Scientology is pretty well known around the globe.

      I was also thinking if Hubbard was more like a messenger and that on several civilizations similair Scientology-like endavours are popping up?

  21. lunamoth permalink
    May 19, 2010 3:16 am

    John Doe

    The “other practices” and “free stress test” are particularly brilliant – lol

    Def. 2 of “other practices”: those practices through which a being addresses his own spirituality and
    from which the church of scientology derives no profit.

    lunamoth

    • earthmother permalink
      May 19, 2010 1:17 pm

      Love it!!

  22. John Doe permalink
    May 19, 2010 3:19 am

    Yet more. (Trying not to be too mean-spirited…)

    On-purpose: That which you should be doing to benefit the church.

    Pro-survival: Actions, or decisions you should make, that the church deems correct, always to its benefit.

    Dedicated: Used to describe a person who is on board, doing things for the church’s benefit.

  23. Just Me permalink
    May 19, 2010 3:36 am

    Oh, my tummy hurts from laughing so hard. All of you are absolutely wonderful! Thank you so much. We’re in a great mood lately, folks. Let’s keep this up.

    Just Me

  24. May 19, 2010 4:23 am

    “Facebook”–Anti-Social Media, which allows people to communicate and sets people free……damn it all to hell!!!

    “Facebook Friend”–One who shares new and exciting koolaid recipes

    “Un-Friending on Facebook”–What every true Miscavologist should do when pressured

    “OSA”–Obliteration of Self Awareness (of self and of others)

    “Anderson Cooper”–Automatically 1.1 because we don’t tolerate gays (but nice designer t-shirts!)

    “Paul Haggis”–Anderson Cooper supporter!

    “John Sweeney”–He flipped out on our little Tommy Davis!

    “Tommy Davis”–Stellar example of a Scientologist

    “Jenny Linson”–Stellar example of a Scientologist

    “Norman Starkey”–Perfect example of TR’s the hard way

    “In Session”–That much closer to seeing the reg to pay for more Sec Checking

    “HGC”–Where time is money and where they have those pesky little meter things with the funny needle stuff happening all the time

    “Qual”–Where we tell you that you didn’t actually make it

    “Patter Drill”–Just ignore what you learned on Student Hat

    I’m hoping to overrun this process soon…… 🙂

  25. Shelly permalink
    May 19, 2010 4:27 am

    Wow, too funny. I don’t dare go there!! Nope. (but keep it coming, lol)

  26. Another Layer permalink
    May 19, 2010 4:31 am

    Jeff,

    You have unleashed a monster! I can just see these definitions on Anonymous picket signs–oh my!

  27. May 19, 2010 7:44 am

    Almost overrun now! 🙂

    “F/N”–Aw, who the hell knows anyhow, but them eee-meter thingies sure are purdy!

    “TR3”–“Do credit cards fly?” “Well, they fly out of my wallet and into the reg’s hands, that’s for God Damn sure!” “Good! Do credit cards fly?”

    “TR3R”–“Do Idle Orgs cause Booms?” “Say what?!?” “I’ll repeat the auditing command. Do Idle Orgs cause Booms?” “Not in my experience! No way!” “I’ll repeat the auditing command. Do….” “Flunk! I answered the question!” “Yes, you did. But your answer wasn’t in alignment with Command Intention! Now…..I’ll repeat the auditing command…….”

    “TR3RA”–“Who is source?” “Duhhh…LRH is source.” “I’ll repeat the auditing command……”

  28. Rebecca-Tribecca permalink
    May 19, 2010 8:32 am

    Jeff, brilliant post
    Please define for us the Scientology SPEAK of ~~ (You have SUCH experience in your time track of the comprehensive definitions)

    Command Intention

    Open Minded

    Reasonable

    “Flow POWER to the 3d and make it go right !”

    Off purpose

    Other Fish to Fry

    • Jeff permalink*
      May 20, 2010 6:58 pm

      I’ll give it a go:

      Command Intention: Whatever David Miscavige wants.

      Open Minded: a dangerous state of mind where one is willing to accept ideas or information from outside the Church.

      Reasonable: giving reasons why an order cannot be complied with, such as claiming that staff have to sleep or eat or go home or talk to their family or take a break or get medical attention.

      “Flow power to the 3rd and make it go right”: give all of your money, time and resources to the Church.

      Off-purpose: doing anything not directly related to forwarding the Church’s agenda.

      other fish to fry: doing or thinking about doing anything not directly related to working flat out to forward the Church’s agenda, such as sleeping, eating, taking time off, reading a book, going to the movies, visiting family, or, well, frying fish.

      This last one is why I call myself “Fishdaddy” on various forums.

      • lunamoth permalink
        May 20, 2010 11:36 pm

        It just occurred to me that all of these definitions are funny precisely because they describe the real truth of each of these (often overused) phrase. Each one that produces chuckles, belly laughs or shrieks of laughter hits a mother-load of charge and releases it because of the truth revealed (there’s another one, there).

        Now just look at how different every one of the definitions we howl at is from the “official definition” and you get an idea of how many lies one has to believe, or pretend to believe in order to live a single day as scientologist inside the church.

        God, no wonder I feel so great “on the outside.” That was exhausting. THIS is fun.

        Thanks so much for the session, guys!

        love

        lunamoth

      • Rebecca-Tribecca permalink
        May 21, 2010 4:38 am

        Thank you Jeff.
        It is funny.
        But your definitions are only too real as experienced in
        actual time track .
        No matter what significant donation given, I was
        always “frying other fish” if I wanted a lesser schedule
        and less control.
        I am so very much happier OUT of all of that…..
        This was a brilliant post because it blows the charge as well as makes you laugh….
        Jeff, you are REALLY SOME GUY. Whew !

      • Fidelio permalink
        May 21, 2010 12:54 pm

        Aaaaaaahhh, that’s behind Fishdaddy, now I know….. Thanks for the laugh…
        Best, Fidelio

  29. freespirit permalink
    May 19, 2010 12:47 pm

    Here’s mine: COB: Commander of Buildings.

    • brendon permalink
      May 19, 2010 7:05 pm

      Good one. I wracked my brain on COB and came up with nothing,

      • Fidelio permalink
        May 19, 2010 8:55 pm

        ….with nothing??? ROTFLMAO….

    • Heather G permalink
      May 20, 2010 4:46 pm

      Communicator of Bullshit

  30. Freetothink permalink
    May 19, 2010 3:30 pm

    ROTFL!!!!!!!!!

    Let me take a stab at it:

    “enemy line” – a fact about the Church that Management doesn’t want to be known

    “false data” – a datum that gets in the way of your total indoctrination

    “SRA” – implant

  31. Freetothink permalink
    May 19, 2010 3:40 pm

    Oh, I have to add:

    Having “other fish to fry” – 1. exerting one’s own self-determinism 2. enjoying life

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 19, 2010 5:51 pm

      Amen.

  32. May 19, 2010 5:55 pm

    “Cadet Org”–Oh, don’t worry ’bout them kids. Angelina Jolie or Madonna will adopt most of ’em anyway

    “Telex”–Hideously unreal targets, in Volume

    “Two-Way Comm”–“Are you on board?” “Yes Sir!” “Excellent!”

    “Dianetics”–$500 Leather-Bound edition with your local Idle Org on the cover

    “Tithe”–Far too wimpy a term for a Scientologist!

    “Donate”–F/N, Cog, VGI’s!!! 🙂

  33. May 19, 2010 7:53 pm

    The funniest thread in this blog!
    Every post cracks me laughing.
    The funniest elsewhere I’ve read so far on the subject of $¢i€₦₮o£og¥ speak is on ESMB:
    http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=16986

    On the subject. It’s not funny but here it is:
    1. REALITY = “something agreed upon”.
    In fact, Scientologist’s “reality” is limited to “what LRH said” and “what “management says to do.”
    So, if you don’t agree with what LRH said or management tells you to do, you are “out of reality.”
    And “out of reality” (in common use) is “insane and crazy”. So, for Scientologist you are insane and crazy if you don’t *agree* with LRH’s “sacred scriptures” or management.

    2. SRA, Severe Reality Adjustment = getting one to “get back to reality” (i.e., Scientologist’s “reality” – see above).

    3. Scientologist = one who believes in created for him by LRH and Management “reality”.

    4. ARC = Understanding Scientologist’s “reality” and Communicating with him about it with Affinity.

    I guess, someone here can play with these words to make them funny.

    • May 19, 2010 8:28 pm

      Here’s some more:
      Stages:
      1. Disaffected = someone who covertly doesn’t *agree* with Hubbard or management. = against Scientologist’s “beautiful” “reality”.
      2. SP = someone who doesn’t *agree* with management openly. = against their “reality” openly. (we can meet some Indies here)
      3. True SP = someone who completely and openly dis*agree* with management AND Hubbard or is certain that $¢i€₦₮o£og¥ is just a bunch of crap for fools and mindf%#k. = against that “reality”, doesn’t tolerate or doesn’t give a damn. ~ Someone who is in harmony with the world without any $¢i€₦₮o£og¥.

      I guess, per above descriptions, I’m a true SP. And proud of it! 🙂

    • May 20, 2010 7:40 pm

      Here are some more:
      1. Undistracted working Environment = Islands of Sanity = isolated from the real world and its problems and solutions, with put-up walls (physical and/or mental), detached from life as it is in the world. Like in: “Here, at Int Base, we have absolutely undistracted and healthy working environment”. Or: “Our new org building will become one of the few of islands of sanity where FINALLY we will have undistracted working ewnvironment and really make it!”.

      2. External Influences = anything that comes from outside world (news, events, other viewpoints…) that distract scientologist from doing his part in Clearing the Planet.

      3. Destructive = anything that distracts scientologist/staff member from following the party line and making contributions into “the better world”

      4. Dev-t = any action not per “Hubbard said” or “management ordered” and also Destructive (as sleeping in, reading non-scientology materials, offering to scientologist to go and have some fun, sexual relations, spending time with friends, having fun in life, and – by that – forcing another staff member to write a KR on you for “slacking off” and not putting your shoulder to using this chance in this brief breath of eternity to clear this goddamn Earth).

      5. Handle or disconnect = Reestablishing Healthy Undistracted working Environment (as above) with the result that you get back to and keep creating “the better world”. You handle THEM (“Sources of Trouble” or “SPs”) or disconnect THEM from your otherwise healthy environment or disconnect FROM them (putting up more and more walls). Because it’s not an option to handle the Church or Hubbard, and it’s not an option to diconnect from them. Because all the truth about you and this world is only with them, and nowhere else to be found. If you disconnect from them you might as well shoot the bullet to your head or dive off the cliff.

      6. Sources of Trouble = non-standard cases = people who ask questions that are not standard and scientology has no standard answers to them becuase LRH couldn’t figure out answers to every question. Those pesters DO trouble hard-line scientologist and that may create Disctracted working environment where it will be awful to think and work in Clearing the Planet.

      6. Dangerous environment = Places outside of scientology organizations + People and Groups that don’t appreciate scientology or haven’t even heard of it. The world out here is dangerous environment for a scientologist. There are powerful and ever-present SPs, DBs, Merchants of Chaos, Psychiatrists, Governments (who are all after destroying this planet and any human’s sanity – which is only extant in scientology and with true scientologists) … and everything else Hubbard himself had distaste of, fears of, phobias of, hate for.

    • May 20, 2010 8:18 pm

      Some more:
      1. Green-on-White = The New Age (Golden Age!) Bible for everyone being in groups of any kind whatsoever. Replaces obsolete and no longer used “Ten Commandments” in the out-of-date book “The Bible”. THE ONLY way to be among humans if one truly wants to be group member – having failed to do that for the endless billions of years.
      2. Red-on-White = that’s the MIND. Every scientologist should acquire this body of knowledge to become his mind, which is THE ONLY right mind in this Universe and beyond. And then use it in his dealings with anyone in this world, be it in session or just an intercourse.

  34. AlexMetheny permalink
    May 19, 2010 11:23 pm

    PTS= breaking out of the impant

    SP= Someone with the courage to think for their self

    OT= A big donor

    “We need to interview you”= You are not doing what we want and we need to punish you until you conform.

    Non-enturbation Order: You have almost broken free from our suppression and now we are desparate to control you through punishment.

    SP declare: You are too free and we give up. (but we can still make you really wrong!!)

    “We want to help you”= We want you to give us your time and money.

    “Slay your Dragons”= Give us all your money

    IAS Reg= Used car salesman

    DM= J. Edgar Hoover

    Executive at Int Management= “lowlife SP” doing hard time in the hole at the Int base

    Int base= Prison camp

    “We are now going to put buttons in on this sec check question.”= WTF!!!!! Won’t this mother fucker ever f/n???

  35. AlexMetheny permalink
    May 19, 2010 11:44 pm

    Getting your ethics in!!= Buying four book packages!

    • ClearlyMistreated permalink
      May 21, 2010 6:38 am

      Good ones, Alex!

  36. John & Doe permalink
    May 20, 2010 2:57 am

    Okay, a few more came to mind (note name change for this thread only) ; )

    Board I/C: A young person, usually a bit pushy, in charge of your weight gain. Also in charge of your wait game. Strong suspicion they are taking kickbacks from vitamin distributors.

    Flag Land Base: The various buildings owned by the church in Clearwater, Florida. Also known as “the Mecca of Scientology”. Used to be called “The Mecca of Technical Perfection”, but that phrase is old and not used now, and is only of historical interest. Although it would normally be a vibrant and bustling place, home of the highest levels of training and auditing, care must be taken with it, as it will completely shut down if a person with a picket sign gets near it.

    Super Power Building: The most incredibly Ideal of the Ideal Orgs. The sides of the building are straight up and vertical. It’s a place where you can get a tremendous feeling of vast amounts of space, because the building is not cluttered up with interior walls, furnishings or parishioners. Because of the fact that it is “false data that it takes a long time to build something”, please note that compared to the whole track, 13 years is but a single grain of sand on the beach of time. (Note to Dan Sherman: okay to use that last sentence if you wish.)

    • sherrymk permalink
      May 20, 2010 4:10 am

      John AND Doe…you need to seriously STOP IT. My gut is aching from laughing so much. I’ve often wondered about those Board I/Cs…

      This is the best thread EVER.

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 20, 2010 5:25 am

      Those are great, John & Doe. Doe, you should lend a hand more often. John by himself is no slouch, but the “wait gain” and “weight game” are particularly good!

      L

      lunamoth

    • May 20, 2010 7:15 am

      LOVE this one:
      “Super Power Building: The most incredibly Ideal of the Ideal Orgs. The sides of the building are straight up and vertical. It’s a place where you can get a tremendous feeling of vast amounts of space, because the building is not cluttered up with interior walls, furnishings or parishioners. Because of the fact that it is “false data that it takes a long time to build something”, please note that compared to the whole track, 13 years is but a single grain of sand on the beach of time”.
      🙂 🙂 🙂
      Remember, getting to USA back in 1997 to get trained for SuperPower. Didn’t happen. There was a BOOM of getting people to be trained for SuperPower for a long time.
      Are there any (many -?) trained SuperPower auditors in there to deliver that “wonderful tech”? What are they up to? Being held in stables?

  37. Mockingbird6 permalink
    May 20, 2010 5:10 am

    ARC–Friendship you extend to someone so you can manipulate him by threatening to take it away.
    Other Fish to Fry–Wanting to eat or sleep
    Opinion Leader–someone who can be flattered into going to another event and forced to give yet another donation “so that others will also give”
    What’s True for You–is what Mr. Miscavige says is true.
    This Brief Breath in Eternity–we need the money NOW!!!

  38. Bill permalink
    May 20, 2010 8:07 am

    I almost didn’t see the humor in this post because the definitions were so spot on….almost…lol

    Are you sure these definitions weren’t leaked from that new Official Scientology Dictionary that we have been waiting years for?

  39. TRUTH permalink
    May 20, 2010 8:52 am

    Jeff, you are ABSOLUTELY brilliant!!!!!

  40. May 20, 2010 10:41 am

    I’ve often seen in Scientology policies Hubbard equating “to help” with “to sell”. Hubbard tells registrars to not feel bad about hard sell, because ultimately, it’s “to help” the target.

  41. Aeolus permalink
    May 20, 2010 1:39 pm

    Got to this party late, but once I stopped rolling on the floor laughing, I thought of one to add:

    F/N: Your eternity (at least it seems that way).

    ML, Aeolus

    • John Doe permalink
      May 20, 2010 10:09 pm

      THAT blows charge!

  42. May 20, 2010 5:20 pm

    This post is exactly the kind of “word clearing” needed by indoctrinated members of the Church of Miscavige.

    I implore any readers with open “comm-lines” to Little Davey’s followers to do everything in your power to help them to see Jeff’s post. Please.

  43. rory medford permalink
    May 20, 2010 5:29 pm

    How do you spell Scientology? SCAM

  44. Jeff permalink*
    May 20, 2010 6:46 pm

    A friend from the Int Base has this addition to our growing lexicon:

    Compliance: Accepting and completing a task assignment from Miscavige, whether it is your job or not, overcoming all barriers, problems, need or desire to sleep or eat, doing anything at all necessary to get it done including violating LRH policy and tech and your own personal integrity, within the extremely impossible timeframe given.

  45. John & Doe permalink
    May 20, 2010 10:43 pm

    Okay, a few more definitions from your friends J & D:

    RTC: Our Tom Cruise.

    Priest-Penitent Privilege: A nice alliterative phrase that’s kind of fun to say. But it doesn’t really apply to the C of M, since there’s no such post called “Priest” on their org board.

    “Golden Age of _____”: ” You need to buy all your books again, you need to buy and retread all our repackaged courses, you need to buy and redo your entire bridge again. Hey, it’s GOLDEN to us!”

    Sec Checks: Amount of pay I have to fork over to buy one intensive….no, wait, that’s Six Checks. Oh, I know, it’s a term for prostitutes from Prague…oh…no, wait, that’s Sex Czechs. Um, maybe it’s that juvenile poultry influenza? No, no, that’s Sick Chicks. Hmmm…I guess after being around the C of M so long, I’ve also forgotten the original meaning and proper use of Sec Checks…

    “Go see the Reg and get a debit invoice.”: Phrase spoken usually by the D of P or the Board I/C. Hearing the phrase often reduces your F/N to under 3 swings of the needle.

    Super Power: That special rundown for staff that still hasn’t been released over 30 years after LRH first announced it. Methinks Int Mgmt is in Super Treason by now.

    Standing Ovation: Formerly, a laudatory gesture of the highest order, usually erupting spontaneously, albeit rarely, by an audience after seeing a transcendent performance, speech, etc. Now used primarily at Int Events as audience calisthenics.

    “Hip-hip-Hooray!”: An obsolete celebratory cry, now used at Int Events as a call and response drill at the end of audience calisthenics. Produces a definite cringe response in individuals that don’t digest corn easily.

    • lunamoth permalink
      May 20, 2010 11:26 pm

      hahahahahhaha I have NEVER digested corn easily : ))

  46. May 21, 2010 1:36 am

    “Freewinds”–A hole in the water you pour money into

    • Joe Doakes permalink
      May 21, 2010 5:37 pm

      Hahahahahahaha! That’s awesome!

  47. Suzanne permalink
    May 21, 2010 3:11 am

    (Jeff, don’t post this if it’s too long or doesn’t fit)

    Hey, all –

    LOVING THESE POSTS! Right up my sarcastic ally.

    I wrote this about six months ago. I shared it with “Just Me” who thought I should post it. I wasn’t going to since it isn’t strictly “definitions”, but my husband then twisted my arm. What can I say – I follow orders easily.
    _________________________

    HUGE INCENTIVES!!!!!!!!HUGE INCENTIVES!!!!!!!!HUGE INCENTIVES!!!!!!!!

    GET YOUR BRAND NEW “BASICS” BOOKMARK JUST FOR FINISHING THE BASICS, PLUS DONATING $1000 TO THE IDEAL ORG PROJECT IN YOUR AREA. 

    BOOKMARKS ARE MADE WITH 100% LRH APPROVED ARCHIVAL PAPER, SPECIALLY CRAFTED BY AUTHOR SERVICES, AND ETCHED WITH 24K GOLD LEAF.* 

    BOOKMARK IS DESIGNED TO KEEP YOUR PLACE IN ALL LRH BOOKS AND EACH HAS A PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED LRH QUOTE ON IT.

    EXTRA BONUS! “BARRIERS TO STUDY” ON BACK FOR EASY REFERENCE.

    EXTRA BONUS! MINI-SHAM-WOW TO KEEP YOUR BOOKMARK CLEAN AND SMUDGE-FREE!

    BOOKMARKS CONTAIN SPECIAL BONUS POWERS TO SPEED YOUR PROGRESS UP THE BRIDGE AND ROCKET YOU TO OT.  

    PLEASE NOTE: PARISHIONERS MUST CARRY BOOKMARKS AT ALL TIMES.**  

    BOOKMARKS ONLY AVAILABLE UNTIL 12/31/10. AFTER THIS DATE, BOOKMARK PRICE WILL INCREASE WEEKLY ON A SLIDING SCALE.  ALL SCIENTOLOGISTS REQUIRED TO CARRY BOOKMARK AT ALL TIMES SO GET YOURS TODAY!

    FOR AN ADDITIONAL $500, YOU CAN HAVE A BOOKMARK SENT TO A FRIEND OR SEND ONE TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN AND START ROCKETING YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS UP THE BRIDGE TO TOTAL POWER, FREEDOM, ETERNITY AND EVER-LASTING OT POWER FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER ($19.95 shipping applies).

    *Not “actual” 24K gold leaf
    **BOOKMARK MAY NOT BE USED TO WIPE ASS EVEN IF ORG HAS NO TOILET PAPER. NO EXCEPTIONS!

    SPECIAL NOTE: BOOKMARKS MAY NOT BE USED IN NON-LRH BOOKS, OR PRE-GOLDEN AGE OF TECH PUBLICATIONS. 

    ~DO NOT REST BOOKMARK ON ANY FLAT SURFACE OR NEAR LIQUID.
    ~DO NOT MOVE BOOKMARK SUDDENLY.
    ~BOOKMARK HIGHLY FLAMMABLE UNDER NON-IDEAL CONDITIONS. ALL PARISHIONERS ARE REQUIRED TO READ AND STAR-RATE “RTC REFERENCE 11 NOVEMBER 2009” FOR FULL HATTING ON “HOW TO CARRY A BOOKMARK”.
    ~SPECIAL COMMENDATION FOR ANYONE DONATING TEN OR MORE BOOKMARKS TO THE “THINK FOR YOURSELF” WORLD-WIDE BOOKMARK PROJECT.
     
    Contact Jenny at 1-800-MUST-BUY-BM

    • ClearlyMistreated permalink
      May 21, 2010 6:43 am

      I love it!

    • Just Me permalink
      May 21, 2010 3:50 pm

      Suzanne,

      I love, love, love it!

      Just Me

  48. ClearlyMistreated permalink
    May 21, 2010 6:31 am

    Reasonable: A bad name you call someone when they actually listen to reason.

    Open Minded: A bad name you call someone when they dare to read a book not authored by LRH.

  49. Paolo permalink
    May 21, 2010 3:56 pm

    This article is really brilliant. Jeff you’re really good with words…

    I have two more:

    “Having one’s ethics in”=

    a. to give in completely and surrender one’s life to the church of scientology.
    b. To avoid doing any thing that may lower your absolute contribution to scientology

    “Greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics” =

    a. greatest good for scientology
    b. a nice excuse to violate any policy
    c a nice excuse to violate any agreement or rule

    Paolo

  50. Joe Doakes permalink
    May 21, 2010 11:06 pm

    In-Ethics (see also, “Greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics”): What is best for the CoS exclusive of any other dynamic, including other third dynamics.

    Out-2D: Deriving sexual pleasure.

  51. ClearlyMistreated permalink
    May 22, 2010 5:09 am

    Dissemination: What the church forces you to do so your non-Scientologist friends desert you.

    • Suzanne permalink
      May 22, 2010 5:54 pm

      OMG. Is THAT what that was? So true….so true….

  52. Foremost permalink
    May 22, 2010 8:05 am

    David Miscavige is uniquely qualified: A very partial and incomplete Organizational Executive course.

    Mr. Miscavige … provided spiritual counseling to parishioners: Incomplete on OT 7, yet has been allowed to read and contribute to the creation of OT8. Has not been interned as an auditor by another more experienced or Hubbard trained Case Supervisor or auditor.

    Years of sustained growth and stability: A few years maybe.

    From: http://www.rtc.org/david-miscavige.htm

  53. Bill permalink
    May 22, 2010 9:01 am

    Hey Suzanne,

    I stopped by the local Goodwill store the other day and picked up a brand spankin’ new copy of “Scientology, A New Scam on Life” and lo and behold I found me one of those nifty bookmarks hidden inside! Looks like I got meself a reeeel collectable!

    • Suzanne permalink
      May 22, 2010 5:59 pm

      Awesome, Bill. Make sure to hang on to it, now! It could be worth millions of dollars someday….like my kids’ Pokemon cards. : )

      • John Doe permalink
        May 22, 2010 10:53 pm

        Oh, creator of the bookmarks: Are there gonna be any special edition bookmarks coming out? Ya know, maybe made of platinum instead of just 24K gold? Also, I’d like to have one that’s just a little bigger than all my friends’ bookmarks…

  54. Revenimus permalink
    May 22, 2010 3:08 pm

    Here’s a couple more

    A big thetan: 1. Rich.

    “He’s a really big thetan”

    2. Vertically challenged; shrimpy

    Perfect TRs

    An individual whose humanity has been totally stripped and made into a robot that feels and cares for nothing.

  55. May 24, 2010 6:41 pm

    Hi
    I saw this thread and couldn’t help diving in!
    Nice one
    Thanks

  56. PlainOldThetan permalink
    May 25, 2010 8:36 pm

    call-in: an activity engaged in under duress by Scientology staff memberrs that includes the ARC-breaking and badgering of people on arbitrary uncategorized purposeless phone lists

    COB: collector of buildings

    command intention: a non-bright idea explicitly countermanded by LRH’s written or spoken words, that changes on an hourly basis.

    “confidential”: something so wild that you wouldn’t believe it, but that is made a secret to keep you sucked in through the mechanism of the “mystery sandwich”

    “credit card” a thin plastic representation of a Scientologist’s overextended and unviable financial position; a manifestation of a Scientologist’s indebtedness to the usury-based international financial community

    “CSP”: Sea Org slang for “Crew Sleeping Period”; that period of time each week when one is supposed to do one’s laundry if actually able to move and if one has the spare change to feed the washers and dryers

    disaffected: able to see through the unacceptable truths and access the facts

    donation: money extracted under duress from a Scientology parishioner in order to fill coffers that never seem to get filled (see “half the distance to the goal”)

    Floating Needle: (1) Something that can be redefined arbitrarily in order to extend a preclear’s time going up the Bridge (2) A needle motion what can be abused by RTC reps into something that can be used to suppress auditors

    Freewinds: shortened moniker for the Sea Org Motor Vessel “Freewinds”. So called because passing wind is the only thing one can do for free while on board.

    “friendliest place on earth”: (1) what Scientology’s Flag Service Organization is called by people who have never been there. See “happiest place on earth” (2) the location Scientologists go where they can commit overts against other Scientologists by making those other Scientologists’ friendship dependent on their arriving at Flag

    “getting in comm”: something an overworked and overtargeted staff member pretends to do just before pulling the crush-sales pitch

    Golden Age of Tech: Robot manufacturing process that wastes Scientologists’ desire to help others.

    “greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics”: a solution to a problem that seems to raise a stat while covering up rule-breaking and criminality

    GTS: Genuine Trouble Source

    “half the distance to the goal”: a phrase borrowed from American football wherein the ball is advanced toward the goal one-half of its current distance from the goal. Usurped by Scientologists trying to go up the Bridge when they realized what was really in every box of the “Ability Gained” column of the Grade Chart.

    “the happiest place on earth”: (1) what the St. Petersburg/Clearwater International Airport is called by Scientologists escaping Flag (2) another name for Disneyland. As in: I spent my money and time going to Flag when I could have spent less time and less money at the happiest place on earth? And gotten a better result?

    IAS: International Association of Scientologists; a sub-organization of the Church of Scientology responsible for the bullying and strong-arming of Church of Scientology parishioners

    “an Independent Scientologist”: See GTS

    indulgence: something that can be purchased during a liability formula to get the vultures off one’s back for fifteen minutes

    Int Event: (1) An expensive method of gathering patsies into one place where they can be crunch-sold things they don’t need or want (2) a gathering of robots who rise and applaud inappropriately at Dan-Sherman orchestrated intervals

    “libs”: Sea Org slang for “my only opportunity to escape this oppression and criminality”

    new era: the same old thing, repackaged to exclude any workable content, and to get a Scientologist to pay new money for the now-damaged thing.

    “none of your business” (1) what the actual stats of the Church of Scientology are. (2) what happened to Heber Jentzsch (3) whoever authorized the alteration and republishing of LRH texts, lectures, and films (4) why mission staff, org staff and Sea Org members aren’t paid living wages

    off-purpose: something that a Scientology parishioner wants to do that is anything other than getting me my stat

    personality test (OCA): a 200-question test used by Scientologists undergoing processing to demonstrate their loss of personality

    program: a fantasized unreal series of steps staff members get brow-beaten into going through in order to appear to be producing something while producing nothing

    service: Something that Scientology Organizations pride themselves on not providing (see “Standard Tech”)

    Standard Tech: Something that Scientology Organizations pride themselves on not providing (see “service”)

    stat: a number that can be used to demonstrate the pretense of production; see “top secret”

    survey: grossly altered LRH tech that is designed to get a person to label himself a patsy

    telephone: a psychotic device overused by the Church of Scientology directly against LRH advice in order to badger, harass, vex, dev-t, and ARC break parishioners.

    theta: some mest-universe action that gets approval from staff and execs

    “think for yourself”: (1) something done by people that we don’t want in our cult (2) something that can’t be done by speakers or attendees at Int Events (which see) (3) something that can’t be done by Church of Scientology spokespersons being interviewed on-air (4) an ability that Scientologists pay tons and tons of money for but never get (see “half the distance to the goal”)

    “top secret”: a revelatory fact that Church Management must hide at all costs, see “confidential”

    upstat: enough out-ethics, rule-breaking, fabrication, ARC breaks, and criminality to make a number seem higher than it was last week.

  57. PlainOldThetan permalink
    May 28, 2010 5:35 pm

    ability: a set of personality traits developed and enhanced through Scientology measured by the lack of money in your checking account

    affordable: the amount of money the Church of Scientology says you need to spend (see evaluation)

    call-in list: an off-policy way of producing bills from telecommunications companies

    cash: an unacceptable way of exchanging for org services because accumulating it adds time and earns the parishioner interest.

    Central Files: Names of currently-known patsies

    Dianetics campaign: a mythological undertaking thought at one time to accomplish actual Church of Scientology expansion. According to the myth, it included television, radio and print advertising, as well as advertising on bus benches, billboards, and other locations.

    down tone: a feeling of depression, failure, and overwhelm eagerly given to Scientologists trying to have an intelligent and rational conversation with an IAS registrar or Bridge salesman

    Ethics: an invented technology (different than the Ethics technology codified by LRH) employed by the Church of Scientology to make you do what they want

    external threat: The 946th Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    evaluation: in the Church of Scientology, what a registrar or salesman does to a parishioner

    goal: a personal intention of achieving a higher state of awareness and spiritual capability leveraged and thwarted by the Church of Scientology

    Golden Age of Tech binders: a cheaply-made horrendously expensive way of disseminating false Scientology data made more expensive by the fact that a mechanism in the middle of the binder can be unlocked in order to insert correction pages that never arrive.

    Grade Chart: a pictoral representation of where a Scientologist isn’t going

    “the grid”: a technique (not found in any LRH issue) for naming this week’s quickied course completions

    Hill 10: The 947th Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    ideal org: the name of a now obsolete and ignored Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter

    idle org: The 943rd Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    idyllic org: the mest manifestation of a Church of Scientology that looks absolutely great and smells of outgassing carpeting, but that moves no one up the Bridge

    in-ARC: now that I’ve got my claws in you, you will listen to me

    income demand: The 945th Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    loss: what a Scientologist calls his money.

    lower conditions: a strong-armed mechanical way of impressing a Church of Scientology parishioner with the number of ways the parishioner can pay extra money to the Church in order to try to continue moving up the Bridge

    mailing list: a way of producing bills from post offices, printers, and paper suppliers

    management: (1) a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order. (2) any confused, disorderly mass (3) pointless unproductive direction of a person’s every thought and action

    Mission Holder: A Scientologist that’s been duped into doing a money-consuming unrewarding volunteer job for the Church of Scientology forever with no means of escape.

    “not S.O. qualled”: (1) a Scientologist with a medical problem (2) a person over 18 years old (3) a person with a high school education and a career (4) a person who thinks that automatically being granted power and status by the simple fact of wearing a uniform is stupid (5) a Sea Org member who through lack of sleep, overwork, stress, and malnutrition develops a medical problem

    OT IX and X: The 942nd Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    OT VIII: The 941st Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    pilot: an organized approach to proving that a program or plan works that has been discarded because it takes real mest universe time and results in actual evidence that the program or plan is ineffective.

    policy: something written by LRH, rewritten by DM, and ignored on a global basis (see tech)

    production: (1) a secret activity with no tangible result measured by down statistics (2) an imaginary activity occurring in the empty spaces of Idle Orgs

    promotion: an expensive activity that interferes with the acquisition and renovating of Idle Orgs

    quicky: see pilot

    Saint Hill Special Briefing Course: a way of using up $75,000 and eight years of a Scientologist’s life

    Sea Org: an elite paramilitary organization within the Church of Scientology that is ignored and rejected by the parishioners because they operate on their own unwritten rules

    staff enhancement: mandatory case and education enhancment denied to the staff member at the whim of Int management

    student auditing: free processing once provided to productive Sea Org members but is no longer, because the student auditors were actually pulling withholds

    Sunday Service: a free weekly Scientology service performed in order to give registrars and salesmen a place to find parishioners who currently are not on service lines

    Super Power: The 944th Church of Scientology method of obtaining money by false pretenses.

    tech: something written by LRH, rewritten by DM, and ignored on a global basis (see policy)

    television ads: a method of promotion and marketing used in the United States by every business other than the Church of Scientology, mostly because it produces results and raises awareness

    Treason: the condition a Church of Scientology parishioner is in when he wants to do something other than getting you your stat (See off-purpose)

    two weeks: originally, the amount of time supposedly spent on doing the coursework for one level of an auditor’s certification (Level 0, Level I, etc). Currently 1/26th of the time spent on doing the coursework for one level of an auditor’s certification (Level 0, Level I, etc).

    unacceptable truth: a fact concerning the Church of Scientology exposing criminality and denial of human rights that can’t be covered up with a simple bald-faced lie.

    up tone: a feeling of well-being, power, and confidence denied to Scientologists not making mest donations to useless programs

    • Suzanne permalink
      May 29, 2010 3:58 pm

      Plain Old Theta – those were hysterical. Thanks for the contribution!

  58. PlainOldThetan permalink
    May 28, 2010 10:01 pm

    The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce, is a satirical book published in 1911. It offers reinterpretations of terms in the English language, lampooning conventional phraseology and political doublespeak.

    In 1967, an expanded version of The Devil’s Dictionary was published, following extensive research by Ernest J Hopkins. This version included the definitions which had been missed out by Bierce when his Collected Works were compiled. This updated version adds 851 definitions to the 1,000 which appeared in versions published in Bierce’s lifetime; in particular,

    http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/a.html

    The format and style has been adopted by other writers, such as Stan Kelly-Bootle, who published The Devil’s DP Dictionary (concentrating on computer terminology) in 1981.

    —————————————–

    Jeff: were you familiar with The Devil’s Dictionary, or did the idea for this lexicon spring to life out of your own life-energy?

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